It's me or the dog

Produced by Britain's Channel 4 this show is along the lines of Super Nanny, except in this case the problem children are canine. It features doggie disciplinarian Victoria Stilwell who looks as if she could have stepped straight out of The Avengers. Dressed usually in black with high heel boots, her hair elegantly coiffed, her eyes liberally mascara-ed and lips glossed, Victoria appears in the opening shots in lots of leather and brandishing a riding crop, looking like a cross between a catwalk model and a dominatrix. She drives to each assignment in a white trench coat in a snappy convertible sports car – a woman on a mission to bring into submission one more errant dog and teach its hopeless owners some common sense.

In fact the dominatrix comparison is not far off the mark. Victoria is quite scary. She sees her role as part marriage guidance counsellor, part dog behaviourist, and makes her views quite clear about the folly of the humans who have allowed their hounds to get out of control.

As she said in an interview with K9 magazine: Training is 80% owners and 20% dog in my book. Dogs are willing and eager to learn while humans can be a lot harder to deal with.

So far we've seen quite a range of doggie desperadoes. There's been Diesel, a hellish uncastrated husky with a dark side, owned by Becky and Jordan and rapidly driving them apart. Diesel bites people, pees on beds and humps every human leg in sight, especially Becky's. Victoria comments with impressive understatement: I can’t train a dog that continually humps me.

But of course she does manage to get Diesel back on track with some sound aversion therapy for the dog and a sobering visit to a dog shelter for Becky and Jordan so they can see what might become of their beloved pooch if they can't turn him around. Diesel's transformation is also assisted by chemical castration, but not before Victoria takes a reluctant Jordan aside and gets him to imagine what it would be like having balls with no sex, or only being able to have sex once in his life for breeding purposes. Victoria also gets Jordan to watch some video footage of the hard time Diesel gives Becky and he is suitably chastened.

Then there was Pongo the demonic Dalmatian. Pongo was boisterous, bad tempered, aggressive, greedy and a compulsive food thief. He had terrorised the teenagers in the household and turned them into social isolates, whose friends would never visit. Victoria demonstrates that the dog has been given inconsistent messages about aggression and is totally confused. 'Aggression begets aggression' she explains and with some clever counter conditioning and sound aversion therapy Pongo also turns a corner.

Then there was Teddy Pom Pom, a very nasty little Pomeranian who savaged guests at the door, shredded the mail, humped his mistress Mandy, peed on the bedspread and aggressively intervened whenever Mandy's husband Martin tried to kiss her. The male narrator tells us in a deadpan voice: It's time for Victoria to put an end to this unhealthy love triangle. And of course two weeks later Victoria has succeeded admirably, mainly by teaching Mandy how to assert herself as the Alpha pack leader and kicking Teddy out of the marital bed.

Most of Victoria's strategies are just plain common sense. She's very sensible…and very bossy. She teaches the hapless humans in the show how to take charge, how to assert their authority. She substitutes rewards for punishment. She teaches people about diversion and distraction techniques and how to remove the sources of problems. She lectures people about getting their priorities straight. For example she tells a young couple their first responsibility is to protect their baby from an boisterous large dog. She tells two young women that they must not see their poodle Tallulah as a fashion accessory, candidly explaining that if Tallulah were a human it would be in a prison or a mental institution. She locks up one owner in a bare room for three hours, with just a table and chair, to teach him what boredom is like. He gets the message clearly that he needs to walk and play with his dogs.

Victoria celebrates her successes with great enthusiasm and there are plenty of warm fuzzy feelings for the viewer as they witness marriages being saved, sisters brought together, friendships salvaged and children saved from terror. And Victoria has a lovely way with words and a great sense of the dramatic.  I love it when a dog pees outside – it’s so exciting, she tells us without a hint of irony.

I always wonder what's in it for people like these owners of 'the worst dogs in Britain'. What makes them willing to be showcased on national television, their dreadful dog management practices exposed for all to see? To say nothing of being publicly humiliated (ever so nicely) by Victoria. Is this just their fifteen minutes of fame? Or are they genuinely desperate for help? Or do they get paid perhaps? Do they perhaps get 5 years supply of dog food?

There's no question about what's in it for Victoria however. With books and DVDs now available, and a new TV series in the pipeline, she’s come a long way from being an impoverished actress who once walked dogs to make ends meet. And good on her!... Hers is a simple formula blending reality TV-style documentary with entertainment and some very practical tips for sensibly managing problem pooches. And she makes it all look so easy!

What I'd like to see next is a program about cantankerous cats - some tips on how to tame your feral feline. Now that would be a challenge!

It's me or the dog Channel 10, 7pm Sundays

Comments (3)

To answer your question ... written by NakId on November 20, 2006 You ask: I always wonder what's in it for people like these owners of 'the worst dogs in Britain'. What makes them willing to be showcased on national television, their dreadful dog management practices exposed for all to see? To say nothing of being publicly humiliated (ever so nicely) by Victoria. Is this just their fifteen minutes of fame? Or are they genuinely desperate for help? Or do they get paid perhaps? Do they perhaps get 5 years supply of dog food? Could be even simpler, for instance ... My dog no longer pees on my bed every night. My dog no longer humps every leg in sight. My dog no longer savages my guests, even those with an invite. By the way ... Rumour has it the next series will be "It's me or my Husband" It addresses the same problems listed above ... ... but having seen the chemical castration for the dog series, there is currently a dearth of totally willing candidates. Leave the poor dogs alone written by Dog lover on December 10, 2006 I think someone should train Victoria into being a more productive human contributing to society and leave the poor little puppies alone to do what puppies do. Will we watch anything? written by Kaybers on March 31, 2007 This is another poor excuse for a TV show. First it was misbehaving children, now dogs. I cannot fathom why people put their dogs outside (of their kids in another room) and sit down to watch somebody else's dogs/kids misbehaving on TV. If I wanted to hear something scream/cry/bark, I would turn around and look at the things living with me.

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