Alexander

Alexander is the answer to any turkey lover's prayer. Remember if it has feathers and clucks in a dumb way, chances are it's a turkey.

Punters who keep tabs on the sale bin in their rental store will know Oliver Stone's Alexander, director's cut, is now out and about for $9.95 in preferred locations, and probably will drop to $7.95 because of the smell associated with the show.

It is of course only the one disc edition sent to rental stores, as opposed to the two disc special edition which is no doubt travelling even as we ponder why anybody would want a second disc detailing exactly how Oliver and his team stuffed their ancient Macedonian turkey.

The director's cut promotes itself as newly inspired, faster paced, more action packed cut (and without all those nasty homosexual references that caused such a fuss when the show was in theatrical release).

Why should anyone care? Well there's a little coterie of connoisseurs, followers of sword and sandal pics, who will treasure the chance to watch the show at home, and have their own copy for personal reference, but at a price which matches the quality of the show.

For a start, it shows why home theatre is the rage. This is a movie where you need drugs and food close to hand (legal drugs of course). You need to be able to shout at the screen, laugh, make cheap jokes, relish the tomfoolery of the action, and fill in the quiet and the slow bits (there's a lot of work for an audience here).

There's a special band of brothers and sisters who understand the secret masonic pleasures to be had - you know, cheering when Victor Mature fights with a stuffed lion, or chortling when Elizabeth Taylor puts on a squeaky voice as Cleopatra, or gazing on in awe struck amazement as Colin Farrell gets himself blonde hair and an impossible mission.

Not that we should care about Colin. He got paid a sheesh load of cash to do his thing, and the fact that he's got along Val Kilmer and Angelina Jolie to share his suffering serves them all right - though a special word for Jolie as willing to ham it up even if she comes across more as Spam lite.

Of course in the serious world, Alexander was a serious dude, better than maybe anybody outside of Ghenghis Khan and Pinky and the Brain at world conquest. Here Stone and Farrell make him look like a refugee from a gossip column.

But that's the whole point, the whole fun. Rifle through the bin on this one, and spare no thought to the petty cash in your hand. All you've got to lose is a sense of history (and who needs that) while all you've got to gain is a comedy running an enormous 158 minutes.

Alexander made A$4.14 million at the Australian box office, a dud by anyone's reckoning. The poor fools who paid cash at the door only have their ticket stubs and their memories as a souvenir. Here you can own a travesty preserved in digital aspic. No wonder the cinemas fear the power of the home theatre.

 

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